bewolkte wereld

Ik schreeuw het van de daken,
ik zeg je.

Ik schreeuw het,
in mijn hoofd.

Over de besneeuwde daken,
van mijn gedachten.
Die bedolven zijn met abstracte gegevens.

Doorgelekt naar het plafond,
in het huis van mijn brein,
waar zich inmiddels schimmels vormen.

Ik probeer het schoon te krijgen,
maar steeds,
komen de schimmels weer terug.

Misschien moet ik eerste de sneeuw opruimen,
voor ik aan het plafond begin.

IK

Negentien maanden en zevenendertig dagen,
dat was de tijd,
DE tijd.

Ik heb hier nog even op terug gekeken,
mijn dagen beschreven,
en kwam tot het akelige besef.
Dat het nu enkel cijfertjes zijn.

Al die dagen
dat ik mij heb lopen afvragen.

Waar ik nu zou willen zijn.

Dat ik toen nooit heb ingezien,
dat wat ik toen wilde zijn,
en ik nu ben,
ik toen ook al was.

Bestaan

Dat moment,

dat je de realiteit verliest.

Tijd

Is niet meer

Relaties

Zijn niet meer

Enkel

De stroom

Van alles

 hierin

Zweef je mee.

Je bent het

Je weet het

Je doet het.

Tot je het beseft.

Ik moet,

Ik wil,

Ik zal,

Ik heb

Je bent weer terug.

Waar is die stroom,

Die je zonet nog was,

Maar nu

Buiten je bereik lijkt te zijn.

Balance

The downside of positivity. Actually there isn’t a downside to pure positivity, because then it would be negativity. As long as it is pure positivity, and I think the true word we are searching for is balance, or neutrality. The middle way. Pure positivity can lead to hypocrisy, hedonism and illusion. Misused positivity often leads to a backfire. When the magic has worn out, and the truth begins to reveal itself. I won’t ever tell you that you shouldn’t lead a positive life, no, I want to encourage it. However, being positive by being blindfolded for the negative isn’t going to lead to happiness. It’s subconsciously building up, and while you’re tricking yourself in feeling great, you suddenly get flooded by all the choices you’ve made that aren’t you. For instance when you’ve given too much of yourself, because you always wanted to do good. But your body and mind are completely drained.  And not even able to enjoy what you’ve accomplished. We aren’t made to say yes to everything, we aren’t made to only look forward. We’re made to make a dance of the yesses and no’s once at a time. We’re made to look at our mistakes, and learn from them. Mould them into aspects of yourself that are really you. Ignoring them isn’t going to make you positive, it’s only going to make you run from yourself. Pitying about them isn’t going to change them either, this will only lead to more of the same mistakes of which you will pity about. Until you can’t fight a way out of it anymore.

So what is the solution? Negativity isn’t a thing that has come into our lives to make it bad. It isn’t a lifestyle, as most people are using it today. (because of the social pressure we put onto ourselves of constant growth) No it’s a sort of break on our life, it’s an indication of change. And we don’t like to be told that what we did isn’t going to work in the future, so we see it as something bad.  But as most people don’t want to feel bad all the time, we try to surpass these negative thought. As I said, sometimes by ignoring it, because you’re not ready to change. Or by feeling pity about it, because you don’t see the lesson. You’re not yet able to perceive it from the bigger picture. From the picture of growth. From the view in which everything happens for a reason and you actually can’t do anything wrong. For time will heal everything, and you are everything.

You’re not able to grow all the time, because you also need to reflect. In order to know whether your growing the right way. If trees would grow all the time, the earth wouldn’t be able to provide them space and food.

So I’m not telling you to embrace negativity,  and if a pure positive lifestyle really works for you and doesn’t backfire, than you should continue where you are. Because you’re probably already further than I am.  Maybe not even aware of the fact that you’re using both sides to the fullest.

The reason I didn’t want to let go of negativity, was because I didn’t want to be seen as shallow. And I was under the impression that positivity equals superficiality. How shallow of me right. No I know better. And no I see that within the balance of these to seeming opposites, you’ll find the deepest understanding of what this reality is. And being too much on one of either side, will make you forget about the other, and make you forget the fundamentality of its interaction. And sometimes, being on one side to long, will make you remember the importance of the other, so don’t be too harsh on yourself.

My interpretation of ego

Ego is the separation. It is the thing that caused us to see ourselves from other. So to see other as not ourselves. It is done by the great consciousness in order to reflect on itself. So in a sense, the ego is the reflection. It is a reflection of our identity. It separates one thing from the other. It gives value to things. In our reality ego is seen as the thing that keeps us alive. So the ego prevents us from death. From what is not us. But the ego is also the thing that made this game, in which all the separate parts need to play part and need to play a role. The egos are the roles within this play. We all have certain roles within our lives, which on the one hand we do identify with. And on the other hand, is something that is implemented on us, it is not our true selves. It is just a role that helps us separate.

So with this play in mind I’m asking myself whether an ego can be out of balance, or is this just part of the play? Because when egos interact, they balance each other out. Both playing a role of controller and controlled.

An ego can be out of balance according to this reality. But in its essence it’s part of the play. The ego can be out of balance because it has forgotten that other is part of itself. That it is not the only “mind” that is talking about the same thing. So when an ego has forgotten about the fact that it’s playing. It can sometimes stand in its own way. And create a certain fear.

 And this can result into two different ways of behaviour. On which on the one hand the ego is playing a victim, and on the other hand the victor. In which roles both of them feel completely separated. In the role of the victim, it will see all the other ego’s take advantage of it. And see them all as enemies in the sense that they want to take over. The ego feel so different, that it thinks that no one is willing to understand. Always being the last one, to take what’s left, thinking that no one wants to share. On the other hand you have massive ego, which walks all over the other egos. Afraid that no one is willing to share, so being the first one to take. Feeling better than all the other, feeling that they do understand everything. But actually they have forgotten the complete essence of their being. A play in which everything is playing a part.